Stop numbing your feelings, embrace them
Jenner and the coast, Sonoma County | Jeff Bramwell | jeffbramwellphoto.com
With the anxiety, stress, and reality of job loss affecting millions of people, many of us are seeking comfort right now. For some it’s the escape that comes from having a glass or two of wine each night. For others it’s getting lost in the latest Netflix series that pulls us into a world that’s different from the scary one that’s right outside our door. And for others, the comfort that comes from foods rich with butter, salt, and sugar gives us that temporary dose of “it’s gonna be ok” that we need right now. However is this pandemic causing us to rely on these comforts in lieu of facing the unsettling emotions that are building up inside of us?
If we look at those glasses of wine we’re having alone, findings from historical research done from groups including the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism show that both catastrophic and interpersonal stress affect alcohol consumption. And several experts shared in a recent Healthline article they foresee spikes in alcohol and drug consumption happening as a coping mechanism to deal with stress in response to the COVID-19 outbreak. Even without turning to hard-to-dispute findings and recommendations from experts, many people who consume alcohol and drugs in moderate amounts in a non-COVID world recognize the danger it poses when we overindulge.
Now are some of us giving ourselves hall passes right now? Sure. And I’m not the right person to weigh in on whether that’s ok or not. But as someone who spends time helping people explore why they do the things they do, I worry many of us are overindulging right now to avoid facing something really important: how we’re feeling.
It might be true each evening that relaxing into our guilty pleasures is providing a temporary escape from this crazy new normal. But can we look ourselves in the mirror the next day and say the uncertainty, pain, and fear we’re feeling isn’t still there? Of course it is.
In a society that pressures us to not talk about the unpleasant stuff, even in a crisis we continue to try to turn that frown, upside down, as best we can. However there’s a cost: we’re not letting ourselves process, understand and work through our feelings. More importantly by continuing to use a strategy that relies on suppression, we’re heading down a path that could easily lead to an eruption within ourselves that will be much harder to bounce back from than embracing the scary stuff in manageable doses each day.
In coaching we often help people recognize the current patterns at play in their lives, with a focus on identifying new patterns that will serve them better when faced with challenges or uncertainty. To move from a pattern of numbing our feelings to embracing them, some practices I’ve found helpful are anchored in naming what we’re feeling, allowing those feelings to come to the surface, and recognizing we control the choices we make in response to them.
Recognize how we’re feeling. We’re often aware that something is wrong, however we’re not necessarily clear on how we’re feeling Whether it’s from spending too much time in our heads or distracting ourselves with busyness, at any given moment if someone asked “how are you feeling?” it would take us a minute to move from an automatic response of “fine” to tapping into the actual emotion. I’ve been using Mood Meter for several years now as a tool to help me notice how I’m feeling throughout the day. Developed by Marc Brackett Ph.D and Robin Stern from the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, the power of Mood Meter comes in recognizing how you’re feeling, describing what’s making you feel that way and realizing you can do something about it. During a time when it doesn’t feel like we have control over much, it’s a powerful reminder that we’re often able to influence more than we think.
Letting ourselves feel the painful stuff in small doses. For many people one of the scariest things about feeling pain is we often experience it in our solitude, as Billie Holiday crooned in a popular song. Many of us will do anything to avoid that solitude and right now solitude is sitting in our living rooms. It’s in these moments that our feelings can sweep us like a tidal wave that can feel overwhelming as hell. We don’t want tidal waves, but we do want the gentle tug of that wave on the beach as it briefly washes over our feet. Whether it’s meditation or another activity grounded in mindfulness, what’s key is to experiment with new habits that allow us to experience these feelings in small doses. Remember that like a wave feelings aren’t permanent - they arise so they can pass away. Learning to tune into them and observe them as they move through us is uncomfortable….but becomes more tolerable as we start to realize over time they depart.
Make a different choice. There are many studies, frameworks, and books out there that underscore the “what comes next” moment of choice we have after we notice how we’re feeling. Right now common choices are alcohol, Netflix, food and the other stuff I mentioned. It’s how often we’re making these choices that we need to be aware of right now. The opportunity that’s in front of us is to push ourselves to make different choices that don’t involve sweeping our feelings under the rug. Here’s an experiment to try. For the next 5 days, when you get up each morning keep a journal where you answer these questions:
What was I thinking or feeling last night?
What did I do?
What was the impact?
What other alternatives were there?
You’ll notice several things. Patterns will emerge. You’ll discover you’re pretty creative with alternative choices you can make. And you’ll realize you’ll feel calmer and more balanced because you gave your feelings a chance to come to the surface.
Ultimately I believe we can find balance between occasionally indulging (but not overindulging) in the guilty pleasures that bring us comfort while allowing ourselves to feel the not-so-pleasant stuff too. It’s in embracing the feelings that are the most uncomfortable that will give us the resilience and strength we need to keep navigating the uncertainty that lies ahead.
Tom Floyd is an executive coach and founder of Flouracity, a professional development company that helps managers grow in their careers, leaders flourish in their roles and people become the best version of themselves.